R.I.P. Gary Coleman (Really Inferior Penis)….Gary Coleman died from SBS (shaken baby syndrome) … Gary Coleman’s memorial service will be held at 11pm on Nick@Night immediately following Threes Company … Coincidentally the memorial service will be called Threes Company because only 3 people are expected to be in attendance… Paramedics would have been able to get to Gary sooner but the door was locked and Gary was tucked in to his crib “very tightly” says his mother. Gary Coleman’s gravestone will reportedly read “What ya talking bout Jesus?” but the gravestone will be far to small for anyone to read it…
ok im done.
Proud to say that since I have been home I have learned how to count cards (Las Vegas, TNT), I have gotten a better understanding of New York State laws (Law & Order, USA), and figured out that Cold Case is a deplorable excuse for a television show (Cold Case, TNT)
As I sit in my dorm room during finals week I realize that this has been the second year in a row that I have had the privilege of spending Mother’s Day away at college while my family foolishly tries to please my mother (not like that Freud!) by giving her a bottle of Mariah Carey’s new scent and some burnt toast at 7am.
I was not there when breakfast in bed is ruined because the dog jumped on the bed and spilt coffee all over the mother’s day card my father had written 5-10 sexual innuendos in.
I was not present when my mom starts to cry in church because it is “her day” and my youngest brother ruined it by blowing a snot rocket in her hair.
I did not have to listen to my father’s “Today Is For Your Mother” speech for ten minutes when in actuality he is questioning why Fathers Day goes completely unnoticed every year.
I did not not have to pretend the one meal my father knows how to cook is the best dinner I have ever had. (Sliced hot dogs mixed with spaghetti-o’s)
I did not have to sign the card that nobody read only to find out later that the front of the card reads “Somebody is getting older!”
And finally I will didn’t have to listen to the intense argument between my parents about what an awful day it was, that eventually leads to sounds I have always just assumed were coming from the TV in their room.